...and a partridge in a pear tree

Xrlq explains the state action doctrine, for the constitutionally illiterate:

By that reasoning, I want my employer to buy me a printing press, a gun, a soldier-free house, a guarantee no cop will ever intrude in it without probable cause, just compensation for the last house of mine that was condemned, a free attorney if I am ever charged criminally, another attorney if I am ever sued civilly, indemnity for any unreasonably high fines I've ever been required to pay, other rights not mentioned here, and an assurance that Congress won't regulate in any area other than as explicitly provided for in the Constitution.