Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Jim Treacher is the funniest blogger ever...

As a loyal reader of this blog (yes all two of you), you assuredly got hours of side-splitting entertainment out of Treacher's commentary/links to the "we 49% are sorry" crowd that was posting images of themselves. If not, here it is again.

But in his reaction to a British piece titled So what do you do when your home is burgled?, Treacher has out done himself. For those of you not familiar with the Tony Martin case, read more Mark Steyn! Tony Martin is the infamous British farmer that was jailed for defending his property against two burglars, killing one and wounding another. This created quite a stir in England, where Burglars have rights too. Martin's release from prison had to be delayed because he posed a danger to burglars and Tony was sued for 'lost earnings' by one of the burglars. As part of the report on the civil litigation, one article notes that:
[Tony] Martin, 58, is nearing the end of a five-year manslaughter sentence, for shooting dead petty thief Fred Barras. Fearon [The Affected Burglar and Plaintiff], who has a string of convictions, was jailed for 18 months for heroin dealing in February.
So learning the lessons of a bankrupt criminal justice system that doles out half a decade for self defense but not even two years for Smack dealing, the afore referenced article offers the following pointers for the "legal and moral dilemma members of the public face when they are confronted with intruders on their own property":

  • Direct contact should be avoided whenever possible. If unavoidable, the victim should adopt a state of active passivity.
  • Be careful what you say or do and give up valuables without a struggle.
  • Sometimes the perpetrator of a burglary is even more terrified than the victim and in many cases when things go wrong it is the perpetrator of the crime who panics.
  • It is essential to remember the post-traumatic stress associated with such incidents.
  • The trauma can be dealt with in a number of ways with professional help, counselling to develop effective coping strategies and taking time off from stressful professional activities.
The authors also note that recently more burglars have been armed with weapons and threatening the lives of their temporary co-habitants. They conclude that "although not entirely excusing over-retaliation from homeowners, [this] creates an understandable degree of sympathy for members of the public who lash out at intruders in their home. In truth it is an incredibly difficult situation to assess." I agree! Whenever I try to weight the rights of the homeowner and the rights of the trespassing criminal, I run into endless internal debate and sleepless nights. Oh founding fathers, why did thee not foresee this inevitable clash of inalienable rights and offer clear guidance in the constitution?

So Treacher adds the following tidbits of wisdom for the British:

  • Hit the intruder's fists, knees, elbows, and feet with your face, ribcage, and genitals. This will subtly wear him down and require him to stop for a glass of water
  • On a related note, robbery is thirsty work, and a parched burglar is an angry burglar. If all you've got is tap water, you're just asking for trouble. Try to keep a wide selection of beverages on hand at all times, just in case. This will subtly lull your new friend into a false sense of comfort and good cheer, giving you the chance to crawl out of the room for a change of underwear before the smell requires him to punish you further.
  • Refer to the home-invader as "massuh." This will impose a subtle feeling of guilt on the misguided victim of society, causing him to pause briefly for self-reflection in the course of upending your laundry room for hidden jewelry or drugs. In another 30-60 years, he will die of natural causes and cease all criminal activity.
  • Many wealth-redistributors are atheist or agnostic, as is their right. Try to avoid offending your guest with thoughtless phrases such as "Please, God, help me," "Oh Christ, I can't feel my legs," or "Jesus, Jesus, there's so much blood."
  • If at all possible, prevent the problem entirely by not living indoors. No home = No possibility of home invasion! Divest yourself of all personal possessions and take up a crimefree outdoor urban lifestyle.

Why again do the British think they have the right to lecture us on, well, anything?


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